Why were the ’80s such a confusing time for so many … artists? The rich musicians offering awkward “Merry Christmas” greetings on Yulesville sound like they stumbled out of a million-dollar coke party just in time to be corralled into a studio space to record these horrible spots.
And why sequence four audio X-mas greetings in a row? The tendency would be to stagger the playlist a bit so the listener doesn’t go absolute banana fuck-nuts by the time the records over; seems at Warner Bros they never learned this skill.
These curiosities aside, Yulesville is a fascinating compilation that serves as a glimpse into another dimension, where Madonna suddenly cares about whether you drive drunk and George Harrison is roused from a nap in order to read a cue card for a few seconds.
When you finally do get to the music, it’s pretty good. 54.40 will get your balls jingling like sleigh bells with its corn-doggin’ synths and even-higher-corn-content synth-drums, Aztec Camera offer up a cool guitar jam-off, Julie Brown’s rant … well, that doesn’t jingle a goddamn thing and it’s unfunny to boot. I think she invented the unnecessary “like” in conversation too, so, you know, she should be gassed for that (I think she invented the unnecessary “you know,” too; godDAMN).
Book Of Love’s “We Three Kings” keeps the queersville theme going with a seemingly serious and seriously flawed take on “We Three Kings”; thank god Joey Ramone and his Ramones are here to save the day with “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight),” far from “53rd & 3rd” but still better than most of the pap on this christcomp. I just have to wonder: What happened to the fuzzy, snarly crunch of their guitars in the ’80s?
If you were old enough in the ’80s, you were probably wondering what happened to Brian Wilson, too. He’s on here, but only as a quick, record-it-and-get-out audio snippet, promising that “You’ll be hearing from me in 1988.” How comforting! Then, just as you’re starting to assume this will be a bunk stocking stuffer, The Pretenders do what they did in the mid-to-late ’80s: Kick everyone else’s ass. “2000 Miles” (no comma) does just that (check out the video above!).
Side B is an even bigger mess than Side A, full of artists that never were, never could be or never should have been considered. Here’s a quick round-up:
- Weirdos I’ve never heard of like The Winans (a bad combo of Michael McDonald and Michael Bolton), Siedah Garrett, Force M.D.’s and Sherrick offer limp-dick holiday cheer;
- Prince offers a “Purple Rain”-esque cut that really, really cooks; no smart-ass comment here … he’s … he’s the king …
- Bee Gees talk for 11 seconds, then leave;
- With Body Count still just a gleam their collective eye, Ice-T and Evil-E embarrass the SHIT out of themselves;
- The New Monkees — there was a New Monkees? HOLY GOD — stink things up; this idea should have never left the office building it was cooked up in;
- Fleetwood Mac, Randy Travis and Los Lobos? Ok, time to end this while I’ve still got dignity …
And there you have it: Way too much confusion on nice, red vinyl. At least they had artistic sense in the ’80s!
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